Ode to Caellum

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Fall Update

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Monkey See, Monkey Do

Lately Evelyn is my shadow. She watches me like a hawk then imitates my facial expressions, laughter, ridiculous sayings, saunters in my high heels, on and on. I realize how funny I sound only when she daily holds her fake conversations on her fake cell phone. She throws her head back in over the top laughter, slaps her knee and says; "Right, right, ohhhh no, no, no, no, no, you didn't?!!! Ohhhhhhh my gosh, that's crazy! Ohhhh dammit I forgot the mail!" She entertains us all with her drawn out, all too familiar chats with her make-believe friends, Livia and Soldier!

The saddest thing that has been impressed upon me lately is that she is going to get much of how she feels about herself as a girl & eventually as a woman from me. The positives and negatives. How can I possibly tell her that she is beautiful just the way she is - the way God made her... when she watches me slather make-up on my face to look prettier? It is my actions that she hears over my words. Therefore I can't really say, "Do as I say, not as I do." because we all know that never worked with us growing up.

I never feel fully fresh and 'pretty' unless I have my make-up on, hair combed (somewhat) and all the other mundane things we women have to do to stay maintained; shaved legs/pits, plucked eyebrows (and don't forget that chin hair), moisturized body & face, freshly painted toes/nails, fresh breath, flossed white teeth, clean ears, bouncy/curly/shiny hair, and just that right splash of girly perfume that fools everyone into believing we spell that springy all the time.

When I do have the time to try to do all the above (even if it takes a good week to complete) there are two tiny, blue, pure, wide impressionable eyes soaking in every move I make. Bobby tells me he likes me best when I am naked...just kidding - actually he said without makeup. Do I believe him? No. So how is Evelyn ever supposed to believe me that she doesn't have to add one thing to herself (except let me comb her out of control tangly hair)? She won't.

Just like me, she is going to have to fight against the insecurities of comparing herself to airbrushed supermodels staring us hauntingly down on tv, magazines, etc., I guess we could always move to an Amish farm to protect her from all the insanities of this culture.

And although I feel a lot more beautiful and more comfortable in my own skin than I did growing up in those forgettable teen/and 20's years - I still have another battle to face. Wrinkles and gravity. I try to embrace all those fine character lines and beautiful curvaceous bumps. But when people your age and much older keep looking younger and younger by the day - (not by Mother Nature's doing, but by Father Botox's doing) - how do you stay secure and gracefully love your aging skin in comparison to all the false perfection that seems to hover over like an eerie storm cloud?

I guess that is when my dad's saying as I grew up comes in handy, "Pretty Is as Pretty Does." Mother Teresa and all the other women who lived their lives from the inside out are the ones who have my vote to peer upon as a role model of whom I want to be and whom I want my daughter to look up to me as.

Evelyn, you are beautiful as is.

p.s. Notice the picture of Evelyn attempting to put on mascara when I was in the other room. I think she'll have to stick to not wearing makeup because of pure safety reasons! I can see the headlines now, "Gone blind from an attempt to be gorgeous!"

Prince Daddy-O

DEAR DAD,

Here is our belated Father's Day greeting to you.

We are well aware that you're not into those Hallmark, predictable holidays. So we thought we'd throw you for a loop this year by turning Father's Day weekend plans upside down on it's head. The wild tantrums, high fevers, snotty run away noses, many tears, sleepless nights, hospital visits and other expertly planned out behaviors that got on your very last nerve were all part of a plan to carefully observe your reaction to see if you really and truly were worthy of receiving what we wanted to express to you on this Father's Day.

Guess what? You passed the test! There are not many dads out there that put their kids as a priority above work, golf, and other leisure activities like duck hunting. Not that you'd ever even think of being a duck hunter! Our point is that we don't only know, but also FEEL that you love us by the many, many hours you pour into us. And it's very apparent that you are not doing it out of mere parental obligation either. We think you've been waiting years for the right opportunity to unearth your hidden talents of impersonating Barney, Dora, Ariel and other unmentionable characters that drive mom nuts. Not to break your heart but we're not fooled. We know you REALLY aren't those people - but if it makes you happy when we laugh - we will continue to humor you.
The best is when you come home from work. We're either waiting by the window, or singing a song about you, or calling on the phone to ask how EXACTLY far away you are. And it may seem like we don't even give you a chance to get your work clothes off before demanding that you play, play, play....and you're right - that's much too long to wait to be with you!

Thank you for being so patient with us dad. Sometimes we can be a bit hairy to handle and your unending calm demeanor lets us know that you feel our pain and that you want to help us through it. Uhhhhhhh, then again, there was a few times in the middle of the night where we sensed you a bit put off about your beauty sleep being disturbed - but that's understandable b/c you are pretty and you should want to preserve all you can, especially at your ripe fine age!

You work so hard to make us money so we can eat and have nice clothes and a home to play with you in. Sometimes we don't know how there is enough of you to go around, but we always feel full and happy and a large part of that is because of you, oh yeah and mom isn't too bad herself.

So although we didn't get to have our picnic in the park, nor did you get to go on your date with mom, or go to the ghetto bootie boxing class, and had to leave your friend's dinner party early - we just want you to know that amidst all these unplanned plans - we know how much you lovingly sacrifice of yourself to be our dad and we promise to visit you in the nursing home one day.

We will never forget the countless amount of times you held us tight in your arms, whispered sweet words in our ears, rocked us to sleep, kissed away our tears, made us laugh so hard that our belly's hurt, danced unabashedly with us anywhere and everywhere, went wild with us on the playground, answered ALL of our questions, talked to us like we were the most important people in the world, lavished us with your words of praise and love, prayed with us and never held back your emotions.

You may wonder if you ever are doing enough. We are here to tell you and show you as we grow up that there is nothing more important that you could be doing right now than loving us the way you so selflessly do.

We love you and thank you for everything!!!

Love, Evelyn & Caellum

Mother's Day Weekend

I wish I took a log everday of the things our kids do and say that put a smile on our faces and lead to lots of laughter. What did Bobby and I possibly talk about before we had our kids? ;-) From Evelyn looking up at me while she was getting her first pedicure and whispering in my ear, "this is soooo much fun"...to Caellum's first crawls and heartmelting smiles. I feel like I'm going to explode with the love I have inside for these two. Here is a glimpse of our everyday craziness.

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Easter 2009

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Easter 2009 - This is the first year we have begun our own Leoni holiday traditions. Not only have we combined our cherished traditions from growing up, but also added some to take the emphasis off the furry over-sized creature and put it back on the 'reason for the season'.

We figured explaining the crucifixition to a 2-year old would lend to some traumatizing nightmares. So instead we focused on other ways to show her how Jesus loves us. We symbolized this by having a foot washing ceremony as He did with his disciples. Evelyn was so into it that she asked if we could wash Dora's feet too. And if you are wondering, yes we did.

That evening after the bedtime mad rush Bobby and I shared a Seder meal together -a Jewish tradition, yet pondered over the Last Supper and the hope we have beyond that meal alone.

The next day's agenda included coloring/decorating Easter eggs. We explained that the bunny is going to take the eggs, hide them and possibly replace them with a gift in her basket. Evelyn's eyes widened. She gasped, "YOU KNOW WHAT?! I THINK HE IS GOING TO PUT A VIDEO IN MY BASKET....Yup, a Dora video, the one with her in a yellow dress."

Needless to say I was scrambling my fluffy tail the next day looking for that stinkin' Dora DVD. She's no dummy - she knew EXACTLY who she was talking to.

Saturday we celebrated with Bobby's parents in Geneva. Evelyn was given her own flowers to plant/water and her own rain barrel to paint. Which she wanted us NOT to be a part of. "Um, mom, dad, I don't want you to come outside with us. You stay in here. K?"....Rejected so early on? I knew this was supposed to happen when they got into high school, but age 2?!?!

When preparing the house for the arrival of the Easter bunny on Saturday night I let Evelyn lead the way. "First thing we gotta do is put the Eater baskets here, and give him a toothbrush, and carrots and water, and a toy...yup, here's a puzzle for him to play with and a video, oh, also here is a Dora video for him to watch." It was all put out in perfect order by our divine lil' hostess.

The cameras were rolling at 6:30am when Evelyn's door opened. She looked at me and ran to the bathroom. I'm guessing all the excitement probably led to a leaky bladder. Bathroom door opens and with full speed she runs into the living room. Her hair wild. Bobby said "Look sweetie, I think the Easter Bunny put something in your basket." To which she replied, "No, mom did." Okay then. Less than 5 minutes later we were all sitting together as a family watching the yellow dressed Dora video in complete awe. Glad after all our thought and planning she was able to comprehend and soak up the deeper meaning of the season! ;-) Dora. And oh yeah....she did say "Jesus is Alive" when I picked her up from Sunday school - so I guess she did get it! Off to brunch with all the cousins!

Happy Easter!

"Eye" See You

It is usually a hard balance to spend undevoted attention on Caellum since I am also juggling Evelyn's physical and emotional needs. Yet the other day we managed to steal a couple hours with one another.

His nap was cut short so I went in to get him. Usually he squirms and wiggles out of my arms to dive bomb at whatever he can get his sticky finger McGoo fingers on. This time he just lay limp in my arms and stared at me. Okay, I thought, I can stare too. This turned into a 25 minute staring contest. Our eyes were locked on one another.

Have you ever looked into somebody's eyes and not said a word? It is VERY hard to do because of the extreme intimacy of it all! When somebody is lying, happy, sad, in love, confused, whatever the emotion is...it is felt through the eyes first before any words are ever spoken.

By the time our words come out of our mouths they are but a fraction of what we are feeling. On the way out of the windpipe they are dilluted and polluted with all sorts of intellectualizing that cloud the true, raw emotion that was originally felt.

Being able to look deeply into Caellum's eyes for that long, without saying a word and without turning away from his gaze was truly one of the most intense and memorable moments I will ever have with him. After a bit tears streamed down my face because without a doubt I felt deep within me that he KNEW me, knew my heart, knew that I was his mom, knew how much I love him and knew he has complete and abandoned trust in me. Through his eyes I sensed an old soul. A mature, strong yet silent child that is going to accomplish great things in this world all through this deep and peaceful love within him. Sounds as if I've been smoking dope huh?

I had a moment of clarity that I have no control over his destiny but I can pray with all my heart for him, for his protection, for his future spouse, etc., So I did and then I did the same for Evelyn. Then I realized that THIS is my greatest and most important 'duty' as a mother. A simple thing to forget, yet an eternally impactful thing to daily do.

After our stare down Caellum simply closed his eyes. His head was cuddled into the nook of my neck. And we slept side by side. Our breath in rhythm as it was in the womb. It was holy and it will be a time that I will remind of him probably on his wedding day when he's ready to leave me for another woman....I'll lay on the guilt so he will never want to leave his mama! ;-)

And so we slept for an hour or so until I was awakened from "MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMM. MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM I'm Up!!!! Mooooooooommmmmmmm come hold me. Mom cuddle me. Mom I want you. MOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooooooooooooommmmmmm where you go? Mommmmmmmmmmmmmm why you not cuddling me??????????? MOoooooooooommmmmmmmmmmmmm mom? mom? mom? mom? mom? Mom, I'm awake! Mom, scratch my back! Mom, why you not scratchin' my baaaaaaaaaaaccccccccccckkkkkkk??????????? Mooooooooooommmmmmmm?????!!! Obviously Evelyn was up. And we went on with our day like we abnormally do. Singing, dancing, making dinner, being goofballs. Caellum cracking up at his crazy mom and silly sister.

What Recession???

I am so in love. A love beyond what I even knew I was capable of. I do flipflops everyday in order to get Caellum to focus on me...but ohhhhh no! It's ALL about his sister. I must say she IS a lot more entertaining than either Bobby nor I. His eyes are glued to her, his smile could not be wider, his chuckle couldn't be more genuine than when he is soaking up every moment of his older sis'.

Evelyn is an authority on just about everything. She's passionate about wanting to teach us. We act dumb most of the day to fulfill her insatiable urge to educate us as to the wonderful ways of the world. She has become quite interested in God as well. On our walk to bible study the other day I pushed her in the stroller while she thanked God the whole way for all that she observed - the sidewalk, the trees, the sky, the joggers. It was a beautiful reminder of how God actually would love us to pray - from the mouths of babes. The other night she even reminded me to thank God for Linda and Pierre - which are our neighbors downstairs who probably have voodoo dolls of us in their home. All day long they hear the heavy footed pitter patter of Evelyn's busy dancing, running, pounding, jumping feet.

Caellum - there are no words that can convey the fullness my heart feels to have him added to our lives. He is a SWEET, OLD soul. There truly doesn't seem to be a mean bone in this boy's body. A smile for everyone. A look in his eyes that is so honest and pure that it brings me to tears often. And enough rolls and chunks all over him for us to tickle and bury our faces in while teasing him.

We are full up. In this time of recession, and many gloomy things happening in our world - I choose to look inward to the family God has blessed us with and bask in the new joys that we all discover together everyday.